The (almost) Assassination of Regina Mills by the (total) Idiot Emma S
by modestroad
Summary: It's Regina's birthday and Emma has a surprise for her. SQ, established relationship, smut.


**A/N:** Believe it or not, this was supposed to be a little PWP fic. Not only it has a plot, but it also has a sequel. A big thank you to all the ladies who helped me overcome my fear and post this. Fan fact; I hate writing smut. I love to read it though.

* * *

For a small town in Maine Storybrooke is quite large, Emma decides one quiet Saturday morning while she's searching for a specific little shop.

Regina's birthday is in two days and she wants to get her something nice, but what do you give to a woman that is one spell away from having everything she ever wanted in her hands? Ruby suggested edible underwear, but Emma knows Regina and she wants to have sex sometime this month - preferably in a couple of days- thank you very much.

Then someone said the word _Bakkheia_ and if _that_ doesn't sounds sexy and exotic, Emma doesn't know what does. Apparently, _Bakkheia_ is the town's version of a sex shop meaning it's the go-to place when you're horny and need a little help to find a mate, but you don't want to owe your firstborn to Rumpelstiltskin or have the Evil Queen set your ass on fire.

Like, literally set your ass on fire.

It takes Emma more than ten minutes to find the shop, but only because it's located at the top of a fishing shop at the far end of Storybrooke's port. The building is an old one. Emma has to remind herself that nothing but woods was here before the 80's and if the building looks like a it's a hundred years old then that is because of the curse and nothing more.

She parks the car behind the building and takes a walk in an attempt to be as inconspicuous as possible. She has never been to this part of town and she wonders why. There's a Fish'n'Chips stall that Emma will pay a visit to later, but for now, she has a job to do.

Looking around, to make sure no one is watching, she steps inside the two-story building. The staircase (thirteen steps and the fifth step needs replacement) smells like fish and wet wood. The red brown wooden door to the shop opens without much effort, but closes fast behind Emma with enough force to cause a small earthquake. Emma jumps, the first time because of the door, the second when she hears a voice from behind her.

"I'm sorry," the woman says and smiles. "I really need to fix the door."

"It's okay." Emma says, after catching her breath, has her first look of the shop.

It's even smaller than she thought, just a medium size room and a door that must lead to a smaller one or the toilet. Emma can't tell. It's clean and, unlike the staircase, doesn't smell like fish. In fact it smells like cinnamon and apples.

The walls are colored a soft green while the shelves are white. If the outside is old, the inside is new and minimalistic. The windows face the ocean and there is blue as far as Emma's eye can see. A table with two chairs stands in the middle of the room with a few open books on top.

"Am I in the right place?" She asks the woman because this doesn't scream 'potions and philters' to her. It screams expensive organic face products that cost more than the clothes she's wearing and she's wearing some pretty nice clothes at the moment.

"If you are here for a potion, then yes, Emma, you are in the right place."

"How do you know my name? I never told…Oh, right." Emma gives her an awkward smile. "The Savior thing."

The woman, taller than Emma and fuller in her chest and hips, smiles back at her, before gesturing to the table. "How I can help you?"

Emma takes her jacket off before sitting on the chair, folding it perfectly and resting it on her knees. She waits as the other woman takes the books away and returns to the table holding a glass of water. She offers it to Emma and Emma, still feeling awkward about the whole situation, drinks it in few gulps.

"Emma, you don't need to feel bad. Every person that comes here needs something from me and I can assure you that almost everyone in the town has come to my shop."

"Everyone?"

"Almost everyone. The Queen never graced me with her presence."

"Regina? She's into DIY," Emma jokes, feeling like a fish out of the water because Jesus Christ, she's in a 'potions and philters' shop and she's not getting Punk'd. She plays with her glass until she realizes that the woman's eyes are following her every move and stops. "Sorry," she shrugs, "This is another first for me."

The woman raises an eyebrow. "Surely by now you know how to make potions."

"I know how to make fireballs?" She offers back.

"Well, honey," another smile and it's so warm and genuine that Emma feels like she can breathe again. "You are in the right place."

[x][x][x][x]

When Emma returns home she makes a bee line to Regina's office. She left Regina there an hour or so ago reading a book, and knowing what a bookworm the Queen is, she expects to find her exactly where she left her. As she guessed Regina is still reading a book, but she's now sitting near the window enjoying the afternoon sun.

"Where's Henry?" She asks before leaning to give a quick kiss to Regina's lips.

She loves that they are past the point that they had to prove their love to each other. They are past fucking each other at the first chance they got because both were too needy for love, for approval, for anything that proved that they weren't alone, that someone cared for them. They are more mature in their relationship now and if a kiss doesn't lead to something more, well, that's fine.

"He went fishing with Hook and Neal." Regina leaves her book down, a finger between pages to work as a bookmark. "Did you know about that?"

Emma shrugs her shoulders. "He wants to buy you something nice for your birthday and didn't want to ask for money."

When Regina truly smiles, she smiles with both her eyes and lips, and her eyes shine with so much happiness, Emma forgets how to breathe.

"We did good with him, didn't we?"

"I don't know," Emma finds her composure. "I wasn't there for the better part of his life."

And while she knows that she's a big part of his life now, the look on Regina's face is worth it. She leans in for another kiss, lips already touching Regina's when she jumps back, leaving the Queen waiting for more.

"Wait, we have the house to ourselves?"

Regina blinks a few times. "Yes, he won't be back until after dark."

"Awesome!"

[x][x][x][x]

"Are you okay?"

Emma nods, too busy making sure the water is the right temperature and that she has all of Regina's favorite products at hand. She picks a bottle and hands it to Regina. "That good? Or do you prefer the coconut one?"

"What are you doing?" When Emma just stares at her Regina doesn't have any other option. "The coconut. Now can you please tell me what are you doing?"

Emma, pouring a good amount of the bottle in the warm water, grins. "Consider this an early gift present, your Majesty."

"My son is fighting waves and my girlfriend is running me a bath."

"Very funny. Now get naked, get inside, relax and I'm coming right back with your drink."

She's out of the room when she hears Regina's protest. "It's barely two."

[x][x][x][x]

"I admit, I was wrong."

Regina leans back and Emma wraps her arms around the brunette with a frown she's glad Regina can't see. The potion was supposed to work by now and yeah, okay, Olga said to only use a few drops, but she also said that the more powerful the person the more time it will take for the potion to start working and Emma was never one to follow orders; a few more drops wouldn't hurt and Regina's pretty damn powerful.

"Are you feeling okay?" She asks for the seventh time in under five minutes, but the warm water and the safety of her hug have relaxed the Queen. Regina rests her head on Emma's shoulder and takes another sip from her wine.

"Would you stop asking? I'm fine. Now hush and let me enjoy this."

[x][x][x][x]

When the potion finally kicks in, it hits Regina like a wrecking ball.

[x][x][x][x]

Bites.

Regina loves to bite, perfect teeth marking Emma's skin and _damn_, that woman loves to bite. Emma moves her legs, giving access to Regina to move closer to her and water splashes to the floor. Regina just bites her, kisses her, licks her neck and moves, moves, moves. She moves like she's made of water, but her body is hot like fire, a fire that burns from inside.

[x][x][x][x]

Regina comes, once, twice. She's riding Emma's leg, her lips open and swollen, her clit hard, so painfully erect it almost hurts, but she can't stop. Regina moans because the air is cold and the water is warm, and she's wet and cold and hot and she's coming again, sliding up and down, moaning Emma's name.

[x][x][x][x]

Emma takes Regina against the bathroom wall.

She leaves for one minute, just one minute, to grab the strap-on and the bottle of lube. Just one minute, and Regina has her hand between her legs, eyes closed, breathing hard and fast and oh, she's making the sounds she makes when she's about to come, and then she's coming, one hand still between her legs and the other holding the sink for support. Emma just, fuck, she stumbles to wear the strap-on, because _fuck_, _fuck_, _fuck_.

But she does, and Regina's eyes are wild when she looks at her, and both are dripping water all over the floor, but Regina doesn't mind. She turns her back to Emma, both hands on the sink now and bends, and _oh, oh God_, _oh God_, Emma's jaw drops and she must have some out of body experience because her body moves while her brain is not working. Out of order. Be back in five.

Her body knows what to do, knows how much lube to put, knows how to moves, how to breathe, how to position herself behind Regina. Regina turns her head, lips opening to moan. Asks her what is taking so long? Emma doesn't know and doesn't care because she's inside Regina with no teasing and no warning. She just stays there, not moving, just feeling.

Regina does.

She moves.

She fucks herself while Emma can only watch with awe as the dildo disappears and appears between Regina's glorious buttocks. In and out, in and out, in and out, again and again until both women are moaning, and Emma has enough. She grabs Regina, dildo still inside. The bed is too far, so this wall will have to do.

Regina tries to push back, but Emma holds her tight, leaving her no room to move between the wall and her body and she fucks Regina with all she has. They'll both be sore tomorrow, but all Emma can think of is how to make Regina come, one more time, up the bathroom wall with Emma deep inside of her.

One hand finds Regina's chin and forces her to look up, giving her access to her neck, and Emma bites hard, lost in passion and lust, and Regina breathes half a groan half a moan and her eyes roll back, hips bucking wildly, her pubic bone hitting the wall, and oh yeah, she is going to be so sore tomorrow, but Emma's past thinking. She's only feeling, and she pushes harder, bites harder, everything's harder and faster. She just wants to feel!

When her palm smacks Regina's ass, hard enough to be heard in the next room, hard enough for her palm to leave a red imprint on Regina's skin, hard enough for both to feel the pain, she freezes. Because she didn't want that. She didn't want to hurt Regina, but Regina comes with a scream and thrusts her hips, and pushes and groans and comes and Emma stares and stares and stares because _Jesus fuck_!

[x][x][x][x]

There is a fire burning inside Regina. Emma can see it in Regina's eyes. It burns and burns and burns and Emma is the reason it started.

She grabs the back of Regina's neck, forcing her into a kiss. A hungry kiss, an angry kiss, a kiss that taste like ashes and danger and blood – Regina likes to bite- a kiss that will put out the fire, but Regina moves her hips, pushes Emma back to the pillows and lets herself go, body a liquid fire, and her mind long gone.

It shouldn't be like this.

[x][x][x][x]

"Help me. Emma, help me."

Emma is slow to wake. She doesn't know when she fell asleep, but she knows it hasn't been enough time; her body still craves rest and sleep and she's going to be so sore tomorrow. But Regina is lying next to her, hand still between her legs and she's crying from frustration or just the potion's side effect and shit, Emma hadn't thought to ask about side effects.

Next time. She's going to ask next time.

For now, she slides to the end of the bed, wiping the sleep from her eyes and positions herself between Regina's legs and, damn, the Queen is wet and red and there are small bruises already appeared on her things. Emma kisses those bruises, uses her lips to brush away Regina's fingers, before licking her clit once, forcing the other woman to almost jump from the bed.

"Shh. Let me help you."

And she does. She licks and bites and takes Regina's lips in her mouth, sucking on each gently before doing the same to her clit. She works two fingers inside at the same time and she feels the pressure of strong walls on them, but she doesn't stop, not when Regina's nails dig in her skull, not when the Queen screams and thrusts, not when she feels Regina come, and then for a second time, and Emma sucks harder, and fucks faster and her arm muscles are in agony, and Regina is coming and coming and coming…

And then…silence.

Emma's arm feels as if it's about to fall off. She's panting with the effort, her heart beats fast, she feels as if she has a fever, but finally, finally, finally, Regina is lying calm. Finally the fire is out and Emma smiles and wipes the Queen's juices from her chin and mouth.

"Happy early birthday," she says and rests her forehead to the bed.

She just needs a second to catch her breath.

Just one second.

[x][x][x][x]

When Regina opens her eyes, Snow is sitting next to her bed, reading a book. The only sound in the room is a rhythmic beep and for a moment Regina closes her eyes enjoying the silence. She opens them right away when she feels Snow's gaze on her.

"Ready for another go?" Snow asks, book closed on top of her knees and Regina nods.

Snow smiles and reaches for the glass of water on Regina's bed table. Regina's too weak to lift herself up and her chest still hurts from the surgery, so Snow puts a new straw in the water before offering it to Regina. She drinks exactly four sips before shaking her head, exhausted from the effort.

"Henry's at school." Snow informs her. "He already missed a week and I didn't want him to miss another. It helps take his mind away from, you know." She frowns and Regina almost feels sorry for her.

"Emma?" She whispers and it comes out as 'Ma', but Snow understands her just fine.

"She's sick with worry and guilt," Snow adds. "She didn't think. She…"

"That was mean, even for your offspring," Regina licks her lips, already feeling her powers giving up. "Making me fall in love with her first before killing me with kisses and promises."

"You know that's not true."

"Where is she then?"

"She's a mess, Regina. Ruby had to restrain her and Henry's keeping her from hurting herself. You have to believe me. She's in worse shape than you."

Stubborn, Regina fights with all her will to stay awake. "Where is she?"

"She's worried she's not your True Love." Snow bites her lip, obviously wanting to say more, but thinking about Regina's condition. At the end, the love a mother has for her child wins. "Regina, are you her True Love? She kissed you and nothing happened. And when you were dead for that five minutes, she felt lost, like she never could love again."

Regina tries to take a breath, it's not easy when you are recovering from heart surgery and her lungs and ribs protest, but. "I know that you are proud of your daughter, Snow, but, Savior or not, Emma can't cure cancer."

"You, um, what?"

"True Love can break any curse or spell. What your daughter used is a potion. It works much like the drugs of this world."

"She couldn't bring you back with True Love's kiss."

"Not without an adrenaline shot. I've kissed your daughter, Snow, she's not that good."

Snow, despite the insult and the mental image, smiles.

"Where is she, Snow? I need her here."

[x][x][x][x]

When Regina opens her eyes again, Emma is the one sitting next to her.

Her eyes and nose are red, her hair is limp and looks like she hasn't washed it in days. She looks thinner, older, beaten. Snow was right; Emma Swan is in worse shape than her and she just had a heart attack.

Caused by an aphrodisiac overdose.

"Regina-"

"Shut up." Her throat feels dry, but she needs to say what she needs to say before her strength give in. "Three things, Emma. First, you are an idiot."

"Regina I-"

"Shut up!" She does and Regina continues. "Second, you are an idiot!"

Emma nods and Regina can feel the guilt coming out in waves from the blonde. She looks miserable, small, like a child that's ready to be kicked out of another house. She can only guess what's going on inside Emma's head right now. She wonders if Emma is waiting for her to throw her out of her bed and house, forbid her to see Henry again. But mostly she wonders if Emma really thinks she's the same woman as three years ago.

"And third, Emma, next time follow the instructions."

Emma looks as if she's about to faint.

"Next time?"

"Yes, next time we are doing this together. As a couple. Do you understand me?"

"You are not," Emma swallows back tears, "You are not breaking up with me?"

_Oh, Emma_.

"You are an idiot," Regina says again, trying to keep her heart from breaking, again, because Emma looks so lost and so full with hope and she's not in the shape or state of mind to battle the demons inside Emma's head. "But you are mine idiot."

And the smile in Emma's face tells her that, for now, it's more than enough.


End file.
